Psalm 81:10

My little Gnudren,

 As is the manner of old people, Old Gnu has taken to watching Countdown over his daily lunch break. This gives him a chance to see if he can still spell and whether he can remember his Times Tables …five sixes are thirty five… you know, that sort of thing.  Daytime TV adverts are, not surprisingly, aimed at old codgers like Gnu, and as a result a high proportion are for weak bladders and unexpected incontinence. There are also adverts for getting our teeth to look whiter, because colour and condition of teeth are an indication of age which many of us are keen on hiding. [68 and a half].

You will be pleased to know that Old Gnu wants to think about the teeth and toothpaste adverts today and not the others. And he concludes his epistle with a short Bible study on Biblical Teeth.  

Now those who research ways of improving our dental health are in one of the fastest frontier breaking areas of Science. New discoveries and formulas are made year upon year.

But first of all let us think of some toothpaste companies that fell by the wayside because they couldn’t match the brilliance of the likes of Cowpate scientists. [I have used an alternative name for the company so as not to advertise].

While we all want to avoid the fate of Begum Ali, ‘such a fine woman’, it seems the public at large did not think that Kolynos was the answer. But don’t be deceived! The demise of Enolin on our shores does did not seal its fate. They use it as a digestive aid in Portugal. Just shows how all great scientific discoveries are made by accident. And now:

Surprisingly Areca Nut did not make the grade either. Was it because the advert says that Boots wanted cash for it? The Tibet toothpaste, despite its failure, was not only exotic but also prophetic in that it aimed at providing not only total mouth care, but total headcare with its associated products. Next:

One feels, Inpaina was handicapped by its name and not the product itself. As for Gleem – I assume their scientific researchers were not up to the mark.

Another straightforward honest approach was also doomed to failure:

Sadly, “This wasn’t it.”

And from the land of Vorsprung durch Tecknik …

… some radioactive toothpaste. I wonder why it hasn’t caught on?

Nay, in all these eras of research Cowpate Scientists have reigned supreme and conquered and gone where no man has been before. And here is the proof:

Discoveries and improvements year upon year! So now you can now have teeth like this:

It’s the new, highly desirable, vampire look. Old Gnu is minded of the verse found in the Bible [Job 41:14 (NRSV) Who dares open the doors of its face? There is terror all around its teeth.]

Now amidst all this diligent research there are some spoilsports.

Apparently there have been complaints about an advert for Colgate Sensitive Repair and Prevent toothpaste. And the Advertising Standards Authority has upheld these complaints and banned the adverts.  Rotten spoilsports.

It is the ninth Colgate-Palmolive ad to be banned in seven years, five of which were for dental products. And there have been claims that other adverts exaggerate the degree of whiteness the toothpaste makes to the user’s teeth. To that I say, well just look at the photo above, you blockhead! It’s ample proof. And another advert apparently featured an endorsement from a woman who said she was a nurse but was actually an actress. Well, perhaps all the nurses were busy that day, and it so happened that an actress, who happened to be hanging around, stood in for the nurses and just said what all of them would have said anyway.

The naughty BBC has asked Colgate-Palmolive why it has fallen foul of the advertising regulator but has yet to receive a response. Some people just like to stir up trouble.

But is there a biblical precedent for how white our teeth should be?

Yes indeed:

“Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep, which have come up from the washing. Every one of them bears twins and none is barren among them.” [Song of Solomon 4:2]

What the writer means is this. Sheep that have been shorn have no dangly bits of wool, their shape is clearly defined. Our teeth should likewise have no dangly bits hanging from them and should be clearly defined.  Besides their woolly coats tend to gather all sorts of dirt and so get slightly discoloured. A shorn sheep has clean lines, a well defined shaped, and is much whiter; and after a wash they are Omo-bright so to speak.  As for each of the teeth having twins, this is the poet’s way of saying each tooth has its counterpart on the other side of the jaw and between the upper jaw and lower jaw. None of them is barren, i.e. the lady concerned has got no missing teeth. And that is how our teeth should be: no dangly bits hanging off, clearly define lines, and no discolouration and preferably none missing. If you have all these things then you have truly biblically desirable teeth.

Finally a word of warning. Beware of tubes left lying round in the bathroom! Old Gnu thought the toothpaste tasted funny some months back. On closer inspection he discovered that he had been brushing his teeth with Germoloids cream. Now you wait till I find the culprit!