My little Gnudren,

Old Gnu has been wandering around the country in his new five-year-old Ford Eco-Tortoise. He has seen and been thrilled by stunning scenery and the endless variety of the English and Scottish countryside. The endless excitement plus the length of his travels have combined to significantly undermine some of his bodily functions. Somewhat like Toad of Toad Hall he has not so much “poop pooped” his way through the landscape as… well, let us simply say service stations have increasingly become a gladsome sight. It’s surprising what one learns to appreciate with age. Yes service stations, except of course for the one at Bridgewater on the M5 which is truly a service station from hell! Having been forced to stop there once, old Gnu vowed that he would rather suffer the consequences of driving past them. He could then later have the car interior valeted. That would be better than pulling into that hellish hole again. If you have not experienced it, do pull in there. It will have the stupendous benefit of you never complaining about anything in life ever again; that is if you come out alive. Motorway Services Online comments: “A strange place that is Bridgewater: officially a motorway service area…. with a tiny multi-storey car park and no grass to be found.”

But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, especially when one considers the 46 areas in the United Kingdom (minus Scotland) that have been designated Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB).

Oddly enough The Lake District and Snowdonia do not fall into this category. What can be more stunningly beautiful?! They come in a category of their own, National Parks, a designation that does not convey qualities of scenic beauty but implies them, if you know what a National Park is. But, even more oddly, beauty is not the sole or only significant factor in order to become designated an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. An AONB is “an area that has been designated for conservation due to its significant landscape value.” Years of watching Countryfile have to Old Gnu’s mind not made this clear. And when a place has been referred to as an AONB old Gnu has scratched his head and exclaimed in bewilderment like Lydia the youngest Bennet daughter in Pride and Prejudice, “Lord how droll!”. But there is politics behind the designation of AONBs. Basically, no development can be placed in AONBs They have the same sort of protection from development as National Parks. That means you can’t build wind farms in the AONB pictured below:

Aberdaron, Lleyn Peninsula

But you can build wind farms here because as you can see it’s a very ugly place:

or here:

(Both pictures from the Cambrian Mountains in Wales)

You see the sheep do not complain if this part of the world is transformed into Teletubby Land and the local residents, who are not many, have to lump it.  Bloomin’ ugly places after all!

Basically, AONBs have the same sort of protection from development as National Parks. Mr. GOV.UK says “the technical criteria for designating National Parks are natural beauty and opportunities for open-air recreation. In the case of AONBs it is only natural beauty” [something the AONB assigning bodies would not wholly agree with.] In other words, don’t you go recreating all over the place in an AONB or you might get into a lot of trouble. Thank you Mr. GOV.UK; all has become clear. Mr Waki Pedia informs us that since November 2023 some rebranding is in process of going on. And, due to some clear thinking, AONBs, for the time being, are now known as National Landscapes. (I can just hear one of the Countryfile presenter saying, “This area has been designated a National Landscape.”) The untutored ear would presume that everywhere else in the country falls into the category of Non-National Landscapes or perhaps Foreign Landscapes. 

In this matter of designation, the Scots seem to have washed their hands of this well thought out rebranding process. They simply call their AONBs National Scenic Areas (NSA – For dyslexics Old Gnu points out that this is NASA with an ‘A’ missing.)

In conclusion all old Gnu can say with some certainty is that Bridgewater Motorway Service Station is unlikely to fall into the category of an AONBs, National Landscape or whatever other name the rebranding process comes up with. It is however an ideal place to transform into Teletubby Land. It would cheer it up no end! If you feel that your neighbourhood is in danger of becoming Teletubby Land, then by all means get it designated an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. If you live in designated Greenbelt area, that means building works are due to start next week.

Vetus Pater Gnu [he/haw]
Academiae Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XXII Mensis Maius MMXXIV