My little Gnudren,

It is not unusual for older Gnus to become confused in their thinking with the passage of time. Old Gnu speaks from recent experience:

While going about his usual routine old Gnu caught the opening words of a service on Radio 4. Mrs Gnu was listening to it. (Old Gnu listens to Radio 3.) The lady minister who was conducting Service said, “Good morning. I’m the Reverend Canon xxxx xxxx ….” Old Gnu suddenly became aware of certain things. If a Dean of a Cathedral was leading the service, presumably he would have introduced himself, by saying, “Good morning. I am the Very Reverend Jo Bloggs…” and presumably if it’s the Archbishop of Canterbury he would introduce himself as follows: “Good morning. I am the Most Reverend Jo Bloggs….  (who is the present. Archbish? Mr Google will know.) And presumably if it was Pope Francis was leading a service, he would Introduce himself thus: “Good morning. I’m my Holiness Pope Francis.” O dear! It all gets so complicated! 

Jesus really should have left clear guidelines in the matter. And it gets even more complicated the further east you go. Beyond a certain line of longitude, a Bishop changes from being a “Right Reverend” to being an “Eminence”. If it’s a patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox churches, he is a “Beatitude”. A Roman Catholic Cardinal is also an “Eminence”. You could unwittingly encounter a “Catholicos” (Your Holiness). But bear in mind that being a Catholicos does not make you a Catholic. Take great care at cocktail parties. It’s all too easy to confuse an Eminence for a Beatitude especially if they are in mufti. But mercifully it is very unusual to see either of these in mufti, unless they are going to bed I presume; in which case you wouldn’t under normal circumstances see them (unless they were taking part in Michael Macintyre’s surprise Midnight Quiz.)

To start with Bishops in the C of E are “Right Reverend”. Only the Archbish is the Most Reverend. Mind you in the U.S. even part time lecturers at university are called “Associate Professors”.  Or is it that U.S. Bishops are a tinsey-winced bit holier than their British counterparts? As for an “Excellency”, I haven’t a clue what Mr. Waki Pedia is on about. And no one has any info on how Old Gnu should address an American Archbishop. Every day he fears he may be confronted with one and caught with his trousers down, so to speak. Since an American Archbishop has to be a degree above his/her Bishops he/she has got to be a degree above “most”. What other superlative is there!? Perhaps “The Miraculously Holy” or some such adjective that transcends superlatives is in order.

Enough! It all goes to show how old gnus’ brains deteriorate with age. It would have been most helpful if there was a Ladybird Book on recognising ecclesiastical hierarchy and how to address them. So you see, my little Gnudren, these are the burning issues that bring worry and anxiety to the mind of ageing gnus and get them reaching for tranquillisers. Pray that Old Gnu is exorcised of the daily paralysing fear of bumping into an American Archbishop.

Vetus Pater Gnu
Academiae Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XXI Mensis Januarius MMXXIV