My Little Gnudren,

Some things are heading for lock-down. But there are two things that can and must never be under lock-down, and they are Gratitude and Compassion. The first of these is very difficult for people in extreme conditions. We are not all as virtuous as Job. But gratitude is a state we ought to strive for in life. Psychotherapists say that being grateful is a way to well-being and happiness. Thinking of others, showing compassion, apparently also improves our own well-being. This is a marvellous discovery that really should be put into the Bible.

But some people are beginning to think that well-being is based on more important things. This is illustrated in Maslow’s new hierarchy of needs which has probably already come to your notice. It has recently gone viral:

Old Gnu shall return to the subject of toilet paper presently.

The burden upon Old Gnu’s heart is to tell you about Mr. John West.

First it is important to get the right Mr. John West in question. I’m not speaking of Mr. John fish the seas dry of tuna in 2016 West. (I think he has repented thanks to the pressure exerted by Mr. Tesco and others but can’t be sure.)  He looks like this,

and is not to be confused with the best Mr. John West who looks like this:

Unfortunately, there has been a lock-down on many of his achievements in the British music world. Mr. John (graduate of the Royal Academy, and F[R]CO – Fellow of the College of Organists before it was Royal) was in his lifetime organist at 3 London parish churches, and conductor of various choral societies. The most distinguished of these was The Railway Clearing House Male-Voice Choir which received rave reviews in The Musical Times no less.  His day job from the age of 21, was editing for the Music publisher, Novello, and he eventually became chief editor and adviser for the last 32 years before his retirement. Many of the famous vocal scores by Bach, Handel, Brahms, Dvorak and others passed through his hands. Most of the vocal scores had covers like this:

This vocal score [of Messiah] was edited by his uncle Mr. Ebenezer Sprout.  That’s why Mr. John’s middle name is Ebenezer. One of Mr. John’s biggest achievements, for Old Gnu, was bringing to light the glories English organ music from the 17^th & 18^th centuries. He took it upon himself to arrange these pieces for the wonderfully better endowed organs of his day.

In Gnu’s not very humble opinion, Mr. John’s transcriptions point up the intentions of the composers and the music assumes a grandeur, without bombast, that it could never achieve on the English organs of the 17^th and 18^th Centuries.   These transcriptions were played by some of the leading organists of the day. But as the 20^th Century progressed they were damned by the “original instruments and period performances” brigade. Mercifully this particular virus is on the decline.  These authenticity and ascetic academic merchants are, for example, happy to swallow Monsieur Maurice Ravel’s 1922 orchestration of Mussorgsky’s Pictures from an Exhibition written originally for piano in 1874. But they condemn Mr. John’s fine and well-intentioned work to the bin. [Organists, look what Bach did to Vivaldi]. Old Gnu plays these transcriptions of the good Mr. John very loudly in his shed.

Mr. John, alas, died at Westminster Central Hall while conducting The Railway Clearing House Male-Voice Choir. He collapsed after the third piece in the concert, was rushed to Westminster Hospital but was dead on arrival.

If only Old Gnu had been aware of this! For in 1980-something a coach load of musical hooligans (instrumentalists and singers) from Christ Church Clifton went to the very same Central Hall Westminster to provide the music at a celebration of some sort. (Perhaps one of the criminals involved can provide the date and details.) If he had known, Old Gnu would have observed a minute’s silence in memory of the good Mr. John. Instead, in the break after the rehearsal and the actual service of celebration, some 30 of these hooligans went to Westminster Underground station and there on the platform sang an arrangement of Ding Dong Merrily on High in 4-part harmony. The performance complete, they embarked hastily on an incoming circle line train so they could be arrested by the anti-terrorist transport police.

And now as promised, back to the present toilet-paper crisis.  If you are being badly affected by the New Maslow Hierarchy of Needs here is some help.

Newspaper! But not raw. You need a to take a flat-bottomed basin, comme ça:

and put in a small amount of the water so that it just covers the bottom of the whole basin.

Then take a tabloid newspaper of really good quality, I recommend the Daily Express which looks like this:

Tear or cut off enough of the paper, without separating its pages so it fits into the bottom of your basin. After a few minutes it will have absorbed all the water and will be as soft as fluffy doggy toilet paper. Apply as needed. The only downside is that it may leave some newsprint on your bottom, but hopefully no one should notice this.

Vetus Pater Gnu
Academiae Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XVI Mensis Martius MMXX