My Little Gnudren,

Old Gnu has been receiving many letters by post lately. Being dyslexic, he doesn’t like mail much, because he has to read it. As a rule, most folks can guess the sort of mail that might be in an envelope by the colour and/or shape of envelope. Many of you, like Old Gnu, have lived before the Era of Email and have accumulated much spiritual insight into envelope discernment. Any who are lacking in this spiritual gift please see Mr. Waki Pedia’s article on “Envelope” where you will find 12+ full pages on the subject. But please note, Mr Wali Pedia warns there may be some gross inaccuracies in this article and that it is certainly not the last word. A definitive account has yet to appear. We all await it eagerly with bated breath! To quote T.S. Eliot from Little Gidding [Four Quartets], “We shall not cease in our exploration…” but hopefully, Mr. Waki Pedia, in this case the end of our exploring will not be to arrive where we started.

If for example you receive an envelope like this:

you’re probably right in guessing that it’s not from HMRC, the Tax Office. Their envelopes generally look like this:

There are many grades of cheeriness communicated by the envelopes Old Gnu receives from various public services and utilities. (Yes he confesses he needs paper copies as the chances for a dyslexic of his sort to make an error onscreen in a paperless set up are greatly increased.) To cut a long story short, the most terrifying envelopes come from the DVLA. There is nearly always a death threat on the envelope:

The threats and (always) negative remarks on their envelopes come in two languages.  Old Gnu struggled to read the second language when one such envelope appeared for the first time some decades back. He thought it was English, but he was badly mistaken. You will note the threat on this envelope seems to be only in one language; this breaks the law of our friendly neighbouring Fiefdom, where everything, including death threats to your car have to be in 2 languages. Aha! But look what is revealed behind the window in the envelope:

But please note that the DVLA has a gold award from INVESTORS IN PEOPLE. It seems being an Investor in People does not necessarily mean you have to be friendly to the clients you serve and presumably only deals with how you treat your employees. 

And some, Gnu included, have also been on the receiving end of mail from the DVLA threatening to crush our vehicles, as a result of error no doubt on someone’s part. I really wonder if they would crush a Ferrari SF90 if the owner refused to tax it.

 Much better, I would say, to just confiscate it and go joy-riding (0-62 in 2.5seconds – and allow at least 5 minutes for your internal organs to recover their normal position).

But let us not denigrate the very important work that the DVLA do.

They collect over 7 billion pounds a year that goes into the central government treasury, some of which may be spent on filling up potholes on our roads once money has been distributed to more local and other authorities. You can guess the proportion by the number of potholes in to your local streets.

The DVLA’s mission statement says: “Helping you through a lifetime of safe driving. Helping you keep your vehicle safe to drive. Protecting you from unsafe drivers and vehicles.” Unfortunately, the DVLA has no power to deal with some of our very poor road surfaces.

The HMRC has an even nicer mission statement:

“We collect money that pays for the UK’s public services and help families and individuals with targeted financial support.”

Ah! Isn’t that lovely! Perhaps that is why their envelopes are more friendly.

Vetus Pater Gnu 
Academiae Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XX Mensis Aprilis MMXXIV