My little Gnudren,

If you only send emails, break the habit of a lifetime. Buy the stamps and send a card or letter. The chances are you will be healthier. For a start, you will have hunted high and low for an envelope. Very good exercise indeed. Bending is a very good exercise for over 50s. They look like this, in case you have forgotten:

and joy, O joy! You can get them in different colours.

You will then need a fountain pen, 

Next, you need to fill your pen with ink. At this stage please read the instructions provided with the fountain pen, and on the ink bottle. Manufacturers, generally, will not be held responsible for damage to property or intravenous blood poisoning. If the ink is accidentally imbibed, contact a doctor at once. This activity is not recommended for children under the age of 18 months or anyone to whom you can’t give a whole banana to eat.

This ingeniously brand name, old Gnu surmises, is a mixture of two words: quick and blink. The name thus contains an implicit message to your subconscious. Namely this: after you’ve written using this ink it smudges very quickly before you can blink, as Gnu has found to his cost. So when you have written your card stand well clear for few minutes.

Next you have to write the address on the envelope. This usually creates some stress, even though you know where the addressee lives. You can even picture the house, and possibly remember the number. But can you remember the postcode?!! Well don’t panic. Just go to your car and switch on your SatNav. The chances are you will find the postcode there. [Don’t forget to lock your car afterwards.]. If it’s raining, wait till it stops, as you might contract Pneumonia or be struck by lightning. [For the latter see Father Ted – Entertaining Father Stone]

Having inserted the card you’ve written in the envelope, seal it by licking the gummed strip on the flap. To comply with the present COVID regulations, do not lick the flap if it has been licked by anyone else in the past 48 hours, however tempting the taste of gum may be.

Now here is the healthy bit to relieve the stress that’s been building up so far. Take a brisk walk to your nearest post box:

Some have got the letters ER [Everso Rare] on them,  some GR [Gynormously Rare] and some VR [VeritablyThe Rarest]. But don’t worry, they work all the same. Your letter will get there well within three weeks. The postperson will collect it eventually, comme ça:

and your letter will go for a car ride.

In days gone by your Rupert stamped envelope may well have had a train ride too in one of these:

Your Rupert letter may have been picked up and dropped off at speed .[ For a demonstration see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EGQWAZghaM.]

But alas our letters have now been deprived of a night time train ride and all the romance has gone out of Old Gnu’s life.

However, persevering sending a Rupert stamped letter has a beneficial outcome. You will be much healthier for all the exercise you’ve done. You will also be celebrating the remarkable life of Rupert who continued to be published during the Nazi occupation of Holland during WW2 although they didn’t spell his name properly.

Old Gnu understands the next set of stamps to look out for – if you haven’t come across them already – are those marking the completion of Brexit,  comme ça:

Vetus Pater Gnu
Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XXIV Mensis Septembris MMXX